I was born into a family that provided me with knowledge about the world in an energetic way and to see everyone as equal. My father had no remaining relatives from his side and my mother’s family was all overseas. My father was not a religious man, but he believed in a consciousness that exists outside the self. He had eastern philosophies, but dared not label himself. My mother, I unfortunately never got to know on a spiritual level because as soon as these questions formed in my mind about life, she passed away from a brain tumor at my age of 14. I have no idea of her thoughts on God, but I remember she did not like me saying, “Oh God!” in front of her and I think she sang in a church choir. She was a kind and warm woman, that till this day I believe is watching over me or in some way giving me guidance. My dad tenderly refers to her as a woman with “not a bad bone in her body”.
My journey to discover God, was quite a long and twisted road, as many others I am sure. I remember sneaking off to church with a good friend when I was younger since my dad was against any “dogma”, as he would call it. I felt a disconnect from the Christians in that church, but it was a happy place to go to and I felt loved by others. I loved learning about Jesus and God in a way my father could not show me. Yet, I felt like a stranger looking into a party, I could never join. Soon that friendship ended due to her being younger than me, just growing up and moving onto a different school. I forgot about God for a very long time after that. Yet, God found me again, as I asked questions. I remember as I said goodbye to my mother’s cold dead body one night, in the hospital room…I knew she was not there. Her essence, her soul was gone and I was looking at nothing more than just a shell. Where did she go? I wondered. I had a glimmer of hope she was somewhere else…happier.
However, I did not wonder long because since she died when I was in high school, I was entering into a world of self doubt, self-consciousness, and trying to find my place in the world of teenagers. I discovered that I did not have the emotional capacity to grieve yet. I also was having a hard time adjusting to a new stepmother and her daughter, who now I gladly call a sister. My father was a very stoic man who had bursts of anger while dealing with his grief of losing his wife, so I also was dealing with that. Kids can be cruel, especially with a very emotional little teen like me. I forgot about God for a long time and I constantly focused on my inner sadness of losing my mother. I went through lots of school counseling and skipping classes (especially math where they would not tolerate emotions) to get away from the pain inside. The only escape I found was through singing and acting. So I became a thespian and busied myself with every drama or musical activity you can think of. Yet the sadness was always there hidden away behind my “acting mask”. I will never forgot one very perceptive boy who wrote in my yearbook that, ” You smile a lot, but behind your eyes is a sadness that I hope goes away. Have a good summer!”. Yikes. I did not like the world to know this! I did so well to act like the happy little performer. I was a performer off stage as well as, on stage. When I went away to a community college, I had the idea to transfer to Columbia College downtown in the city to major in performing arts…naturally.
I had lots to be thankful for, I received a wonderful gift from my drama and music teacher after my mother passed away, to go away to a prestigious vocal music camp. I received the John Hires Scholarship (He was a drama teacher that passed during my senior year) award for my performance skills during high school. I also, received a $3,000 check by an older lady in my acting class at the community college to “help me with my dreams” since she has no other family. Yet, I still saw no God in my life and chose at the time to only see the hardships of losing a loving mother. When I look back I see many angels helping me along the way.
I went away to college and majored in vocal performance and theater. I kept myself busy between working as a make-up artist in a department store and acting in plays, as well as singing in shows. When I left college, I started my quest to become an actress in the big city. I worked for a trolley tour company and met a man there, that soon became my friend and later my first spiritual teacher. We started to talk more deeply because he saw me reading the first book on religion that I bought, called “the Case for Christ”. It was a historical book written by a skeptical lawyer who proved to himself and probably many others, that Jesus did exist. Read it, I highly recommend it.
This man that I met opened my eyes up to a world, I have never seen before. Telling me of his life experience with a real live demon “woman” who selfishly told him that she, “wanted his soul”. He always told me about being followed by men in black because he was writing about the ancient gnostic influence in today’s world and someone knew about it. He told me that his spiritual awakening happened when he realized he kept finding pennies on the ground, and there is this song called “pennies from heaven”, as well as seeing everyone in a room at a party interconnected with lines…very much like the Matrix movie. Now, I am a smart and perceptive girl by this time. This man was not crazy, he was completely sane and loved by everyone he met. Super talented and brilliant. He told me so much about what he knows about God. He explained that he discovered that ALL is God and much of this, is His version of self awareness. That is why God created everything to experience life. He turned the “key” in me, you can say by getting me to open up more spiritually. He promised that when all of THIS is over with, it’s going to be a beautiful surprise. I so wanted to believe in this beautiful surprise.
After this man left my life, I started reading and researching like crazy. I became a Buddhist, thinking that it fit my idea of existence more clearly. I went to Buddhist centers, and even picked up yoga and meditation. I also started to look more into quantum physics and look deeper in the questions, what is reality? I looked for God through aliens, and started to even learn about them. I started to learn about angels and demons, and with an active internet life I started to attract strange people on social forums. I remember meeting a person on a spiritual debating forum, that targeted me- mind you by this time, I was all about peace and love. He did the strangest thing, I have ever experienced that can only be explained as a demonic interaction or at the very least a man who was influenced by them. He literally started to tell me, “I am so smart, so intuitive, so good and kind, so polarized towards good, such a gentle soul, this and that..” and when I opened my heart to talking to him more because I thought he really understood me, he started to take away my energy. I am not kidding, this man started to say the scariest things you never hope to see on your screen. He started to tell me that I am, “bad and evil like him, and to come to the dark side, and enjoy the dark”. He proceeded to tell me that he was a demon and he was able to see through the screen and know my heart and my desires. I felt such a jolt of energy go into my body, and suck every positive energy I can think of. This man built my energies so high, to reach a point of peak energy level of love and then sucked it out. I get chills thinking of him. I immediately terminated all contact on that site and never spoke to anyone about it. My father warned me about going too deep into trying to find myself and had a long talk with me after he found a kundalini awakening book in my room. He told me not to mess with that because it opens you up to unknown energies. He said he tried to open his own and discovered a sting on the top of his spine with a terrible voice in his mind that said, “you think you aren’t afraid?” as he meditated. He says it was not a good experience and stopped him from ever looking into it further.
This brought me to my next experience that I had when I was on youtube one night, watching a video about the impending universe energy “wave” that was supposed to hit us. This is not a physical wave, supposedly it was the next ride into the next consciousness or dimension of space. This video scared me so much. It was about the reptilian race of aliens who were supposedly here long ago and use our energies for food till this day. Especially with my experience with this man, I called my father and cried. My father did not tell me I was crazy for anything I told him. Instead he spoke like a Jedi Knight, and said that THEY lived on another dimension at a lower consciousness, so I needed to vibrate higher in love and energy in order to not be touched by them. My jaw dropped. My life at that point was a big movie. Maybe an action blockbuster. I decided to look into that idea, are we really all actors upon a stage, as Shakespeare quoted?
This brought me further and further down the rabbit hole. I experimented with alternative perception tools. I studied astrology, crystals, chakras, learned more about aliens, meditated, did all of it to find answers. One time, I remember crying while doing yoga in a lot of emotional pain and in the back of my eyelids, I made out a shape. An alien shape with huge colorful aura- like wings surrounding it and it said in my head, “all will be well at zero point”. If you understand physics, this is the point of energy at its ground state…the place possibly where all Life can rush forward from. I felt they were loving and warm beings, and much brought me into the study of angelic beings that were aliens from another dimension of God. I felt very connected to them for a long time, but not so much preoccupied with them now, I would rather focus on my life as a human devoted to serve God. I was deep into the occult at the time too, even thought of myself interested in Wicca to learn how to be a white witch-that only does good spells for others. Even though I was planning to do good for others, I still never realized that magic is the nature of taking away from someone else and using it for myself- it is going against someone’s free will. Because the physical universe will respond and it may take away something that may have randomly have happened to someone else instead. I started thinking “I AM God”, and having an experience as this young lady as others were having an experience as God, as well. I believed I was the universe. I was far from God still.
What brought me to the idea of an outside God that we are created from, was not only recognizing the real evil in the world, but having an experience of real good. Years later, I was at a bank cashing in a check. I lived carelessly and never balanced my checkbook. I was negative in my banking account, and it was Christmas week. I deposited my money into the ATM, and it said I had $0 balance. I needed that money. I was freaking out. I had one more gift to get my father and I also needed a train ticket to get home for the weekend. I cried. It was like all of the isolation I have felt all my life, came out to that poor teller. I was alone and denied any help to get to my only family. He simply said he could not give me any money, till it clears. I had $0 to get home to my family. The next thing I knew, a woman in a fur jacket bent down and gave me $300 cash from her wallet and said, “I have been there before”. Through blurry tears, she bent down and hugged me. Before I could ask her for an address, or number to call her-she was simply gone. No one can move that fast. The teller saw her, but could not remember what she looked like or recall anything! She disappeared and was as clear as a Monet painting in both our minds. She was an angel. I was saved by an angel. Funny, in a material world we need angels to help us out of this monetary system that man has created. I feel I have met others who came into my life briefly, who have guided my path towards God as well as keep me safe.
“For each one are successive [angels] before and behind him who protect him by the decree of Allah . Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (13:11)
That point began a journey into opening up religious texts and comparing books to each other. What I found was a similar message: God (in different names) created the earth. We were created out of love and wish for us to experience a beautiful life here. Satan or Iblis, in my religion, rebelled and chose not to serve humans, and was cast out of heaven. He decided to be a tempter of mankind until the Last Days, taking as many souls as he can with him. God agreed as a way to show that man is strong and will eventually choose to come back to Him, even with “sins” against them. Now we have angels who help us if our time on this earth is not finished, and demons who tempt us throughout. Of course, it varies in some religions, but the idea is the same. There are two opposing forces at work in the universe. We have free will to choose which side we would like to be on.
By seeing much of the evil in the world today, I have discovered a pattern in history that was talked about in the ancient texts of the Abraham God. Sometimes, you need to go through the darkness in order to discover the light. This was the case for me. There had been a group of men who chose to find their own “godhood”. It started with the Tower of Babel, and there has been a long line of elite occultists who believe they can erase sin and perfect themselves, to the point of becoming a deity on this earth and controlling others. That means no consequences to their actions as they act greedy, manipulate, and enslave others. There has always been a divide from the time Moses came down with the commandments, those that followed God and those that kept honoring their “golden calf”. I became deep into conspiracy theories and had seen the illuminati symbols everywhere. I see the occultists trying to push the New Age idea more that allows you to open yourselves up to a dimension unknown. I am aware of the secular science movement to push out God, of the “equation” completely. I see more unbelievers being born in a world where faith is hard to find. Of course the NWO seems fitting for the prophecies in these ancient books. I have studied other cultures and have learned of supreme beings like Vishnu, whose creations are constantly tempted by Rahu. The message has been the same, written in different colored hands through different messengers, throughout history. I know I am not alone in seeing all this and continue to connect the dots, as many others do too. The more evil I observe in the world, the more my faith is affirmed from these ancient books, that warned of all of this.
I am aware that emotions, compassion and empathy are considered weak or “unintelligent” by those with more rational or logical minds. I believe that is all part of shutting out Jesus’s teachings to be a sensitive soul who cares about others as much as themselves-service to others. This was the plan all along of the “lesser”, but still opposing force of God, to turn us into him; service to self orientated. I accept Jesus into my heart that way as a teacher of men and take his teachings as the Truth.
I went back to college to gain my Masters in Education so that I could teach kids how to think and very much build empathy into an intelligent mind. I see a world, that has lost its empathy, part because it is hard to look at the suffering so easier to ignore it, and partly because humans have shut off that part of themselves for generations due to manipulations of their environment by others. I asked to be shown the way that He needs me to go and am fully ready to serve Him in anyway that I can.
I eventually met my Muslim partner by divine intervention one night after another breakup of mine. He patiently awaited till I found the Quran (that I bought years before), and read it in its entirety two years later. I read it straight through in two days over a weekend while sick in bed, and felt it correlated with my thoughts perfectly. I had tears of both joy and understanding. I was finally humbled seeing a source of reality outside of myself. At this point, I cried in happiness that I have found God and recognize the love that He always has shared with us unconditionally. Everything about science, life, death, God’s will, and humans fit into this book that expressed me as a “submitter to God” which is what Muslim means. It is not the violent religion that others make it out to be, it only talks about self defense against others who are evil. The Quran alone reads as Islam is a religion of peace. Allah means “The God”, the singular form of God in Arabic, I personally feel more comfortable using the word “God” since, I only speak english. According to the Quran, all Christians, Jews, and others with a Supreme Creator, are from the same religion, but it has been divided into sects by man. I love that in the purest meaning of Islam, we can all be brothers and sisters under the same God. That is peace to me.
Religion is the different pathway you choose to get to God. There are many paths that believers can take that will lead them to Him, but you must be able to think for yourself and realize what is man made and what is God’s Will, within all religions. I truly believe all good souls will find their way back to God, if they are seeking.
“Surely those who believe, and those who are Jews, and the Christians, and the Sabians — whoever believes in God and the Last Day and does good, they shall have their reward from their Lord. And there will be no fear for them, nor shall they grieve” (2:62).
Now at this stage in my life, I love God so very much and have a strong connection. I believe I was inspired by Him and by my other friends while talking, to create a site like this to gather others together during these troubling times. I pray and I see the lifting of my head that He has done throughout my life as ways to strengthen my soul. I am excited for my future and no longer afraid of death. I look back and see all I went through as trials and lessons to learn, and to make me stronger in my faith. I asked for forgiveness and no longer do anything that God did not command us humans to do, in order to keep our souls pure and our bodies safe. I no longer suffer from deep depression or feelings of isolation. I have compassion for my dad and have worked on building a relationship with him. I know that one day, I will be reunited with my loving mother again and to lose her was a trial for me and a peaceful resolution for her. For the rest of my life, I will study the books given to man in the early stages from all religions to continue my learning. I appreciate them here for us to come back to, when we feel lost. I see this life as not a curse, but a beautiful temporary gift.
I don’t believe in a “punishing” God. Heaven and Hell to me, is simply a place designed for the ultimate evidence of “cause and effect”. My view of Heaven is this ethereal place, where all the good souls (humans that chose to be good on earth) can live together in harmony and union. Finally a place to rest our weary heads, from the ups and downs of this temporary world. Hell to me, is just a prison to separate those that never wanted to make an effort to see anything outside themselves-and hurt others by self indulging and making justifications for it, even after they die. It is a place that is furthest from God’s light due to their inability to discover it while living. Maybe, it is a place where the evil ones can seek forgiveness and become good souls or a place where the skeptics learn about the truth, to rejoin the others in Heaven? Only God knows. I look at the world today and hear of unthinkable evil in terms of murders and general destruction of one another and it makes me question much, but never God’s divine plan for all of us.
“He knows what is in the heavens and on earth; and
He knows what ye conceal and what ye reveal: yea,
Allah knows well the secrets of all hearts”(64:4).
Yes, my God is a very loving God, that wants all of his creations to choose to come find a way back to Him voluntarily while they still are given the gift of life and have a body to learn what their soul needs to.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful…….
God is not a man to me in His entirety, He is the “We” of the entire multiverse. A consciousness so far from our understandings that only in death, will we be able to glimpse the beauty and wonder of. What we feel here on earth, is a tiny glimpse of this incredible force of love. We are not God, but we are a part of God. Just the act of creation of the universe shows love to me. God is movement towards Oneness, with a choice. There are many paths for seekers of God to take. If you wish to know our Creator, you will be shown the way best for YOU, that is unique to your journey. God is LOVE.
This other personal testimony affirms this belief: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOSb3G53HsA
This is my personal story and inner thoughts. My hope is that more people can start to see that these experiences of God are not limited to the “delusional” few as some skeptics believe, but instead offered to the ones who chose to remain open and humble. The ones that weren’t afraid to admit there is more to us than just us, and to think about more than just themselves in whatever faithful path that they choose- in doing that, we are doing God’s Will.
Salaam (peace) to all that read this and thank you for staying with my long story till the very end. Join me in God’s army, that fights the evil with good deeds and good will towards one another. Keep the faith and may we all be spiritual companions in the gardens of heaven one day. Much love to you. I share this story not to convert you or take you from your path, but to get you to understand that all religions are from the same guidance.
“Allah will say: This is a day in which the truthful will profit from their truth. Theirs are gardens, with rivers flowing beneath – their eternal Home. Allah is well-pleased with them, and they with Allah. That is the great salvation” (5:119).